Update

It's been a while since I've posted anything, so I thought I should write a quick update before I head to work. I'm at the bagel shop right now (I love this place!) and have about thirty minutes to come up with something that's at least somewhat interesting. My job is going really well, and the past few days have been great! I'm beginning to love it now, and I know some of the patrons who come into the SC room by their first name. It's great being able to help some of the people who come in and show them the many resources we have in our collection. One day last week we had so many people come in, that I didn't get to sit down for more than a few minutes without getting back up again. I LOVE it when we're busy. My classes are getting harder, but I enjoy the work and am counting the days until I finally earn my degree. Let's see... what else? Oh! This is definitely the most interesting thing that's happened since I last updated. I'm actually talking to someone now. :-) He seems like a really nice guy, and even if nothing more happens, at least I'll have a great guy that I can call a friend.

Doing Something Crazy

I'm doing something crazy. Ever heard of eharmony?
Yes. I know what you're thinking, and the answer is yes.
I filled out a profile, AND I subscribed for a seven day free trial.
What on earth am I doing? Have I gone mad? I still can't quite get over the fact that I actually filled a profile out and posted it online. That's what happens when you're all by yourself surfing the internet. Something dangerous is bound to happen. Like going to eharmony.com, just to see what it's all about. Then noticing the sign that says free trial. Then filling out the profile. (It took me over three hours!!!) Then calling your CLOSE girlfriends to tell them that you actually filled the profile out because something like this doesn't happen every day. Oh my goodness. What will people think of me? I'm not desperate. Nor am I feeling lonely. I'm so incredibly happy with my life right now, so why on earth did I do this?

Well... why not?

Going to Charleston

I'm going to Charleston this weekend. Yipee!! :-) I'm so excited. Loren, Paige, and I are going down to visit a friend who is working there for the next couple of weeks. We're leaving Friday right after work and won't be back until Sunday night. Loren is a friend who I met at Newspring a couple of times but haven't really hung out with until recently. She is so much like me... owns her own house, works full-time as a teacher, has a best guy friend, isn't dating anyone at the moment, has a homegroup, and loves Christ. We have so much fun together. :-) It's definitely cool having another girlfriend I can call if I ever need to get out of the house.
Although I'm really excited about going to the beach, I'm going to miss being in Anderson on Sunday. Sundays are my favorite day of the week because it means going to Newspring, working with the children's ministry, and having fun at homegroup on Sunday night (we were going to meet at Wild Wings this week). This Sunday I was also supposed to go to a volunteer's luncheon AND babsit for Nathaniel in the afternoon, but *sniff* I had to call and cancel on both of them. Oh well. Why am I so sad? The beach is going to be awesome! And I can't wait until tomorrow! :-)

Oh, and I'm still running almost every day. The Midnight Flight is only seven days away... I got an email from the director today asking me for my t-shirt size because it was lost when I did my online application. She's going to give me the shirt for FREE because of the mixup. Now I have one more reason to smile. :-D

My First Day of Grad School

I am happy to report that my first day of grad school went extremely well. I found the right building, met my professors, talked with some of my classmates, and received information about all of my assignments for the semester. It was a little overwhelming, but I know that I can do it and I am definitely up for a challenge. One thing in particular that I have to decide is the question of what concentration to pursue. Do I do administration? academic? children's services? public services? young adult? archives? technical services? special libraries? children's media? I have so many options to think about. I would love to work in a public library as an administrator, supervisor, or branch manager, and I would also love to work with children, whether it be children's services, media, or young adult. How on earth am I ever going to decide? Got any suggestions?
Thankfully, I have 6 classes to take before I have to make up my mind. That means I have at least until this time next year to make a decision. :-)

Running a 5K

I signed up for the "Midnight Flight" 5K race today. It's something that I've always wanted to do, but never actually got around to signing up for it. Thanks for being my motivation, Marie! ;-) I'll probably run with Kylie, who is a friend from my homegroup at Newspring. She doesn't run on a regular basis, so there might actually be a chance that I can keep up with her. Last year she had to walk a part of the race and this year her goal is to do the whole thing without slowing down to a walk. My goal is just to finish. Period. I'm so nervous! And I'm so out of shape! I can't even remember the last time I went for a run without being chased by something. So for the next two weeks, I'm going to be running every day for as far as I can go. Maybe, just maybe, by the time September 1st comes around, I'll be able to run 5K. Gulp.
Day One: Wednesday
Ran 1 mile.
Day Two: Thursday
Will Run 1 mile
Day Three: Friday
Will Run 1 mile
Day Four: Saturday
No Time! (In class all day in Columbia)
Day Five: Sunday
Will Run 2 miles
And the strict regime continues...

Can a Guy and a Girl "Just be Friends"

Is it possible for a guy and a girl to "just be friends?"

I have a few guys who I consider good friends. We see each other at church on Sundays, do things within our homegroups, hang out at parties, and I know that if I ever needed help moving anything, they are just a phone call away. These guys are my friends. Nothing more. So is it possible for guys and girls to "just be friends?" Yes. However, when the question is focused on one guy and one girl whose friendship surpasses that of typical "good friends", the answer gets a little more complicated.

I have this really close guy friend who has known me for almost five years now. We've made tons of memories together, been through both good and bad times, and even dated each other for a while. He's the closest guy friend I've ever had, and he knows more about me than most of my girlfriends. We talk almost every night on the phone, sometimes for hours at a time, and I know that whenever I'm feeling down, I can just give him a call and he'll cheer me up. He can always make me smile. We share prayer requests, talk about life, and wonder about the future God has planned for our lives. In the middle of the workday, he'll send me text messages, telling me to have a wonderful day and reminding me that he's thinking about me. We don't see each other much because we live almost two hours apart, but whenever I visit somewhere close by, he'll always meet up with me to hang out, watch a movie, or just talk.

The weird thing about all of this, is that we ARE just friends. It's nice having a guy friend as a best friend because he sees things in a completely different perspective than my girlfriends. When I'm freaking out about something stupid like what to wear on a first date, he's quick to remind me that, "hey, don't worry about what outfit to wear, you would look good to him no matter what." Hearing something like that from a guy friend is just so much more convincing than if one of my girlfriends had said something similar.

Although I know that we're just friends and nothing more, I have to keep reminding myself of that. Sometimes I hate him for it because some days, I wish we could be more. I know that when and if I meet the right guy for me, I'm not going to talk to my friend as much because I'll be spending my time with the person who is interested in me for more than just friendship. And that's okay, because years down the road, when I'm married and completely in love with my husband, I might come across a newsheading or an old photograph of him and think to myself, hey, I used to know that guy. I'll remember our friendship and the good times we had, and then I'll put the photo aside and make a mental note to add him to my Christmas card list.

Harry Burns: You realize of course that we could never be friends. Sally Albright: Why not? Harry Burns: What I'm saying is - and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form - is that men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way. Sally Albright: That's not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved. Harry Burns: No you don't. Sally Albright: Yes I do. Harry Burns: No you don't. Sally Albright: Yes I do. Harry Burns: You only think you do. Sally Albright: You say I'm having sex with these men without my knowledge? Harry Burns: No, what I'm saying is they all WANT to have sex with you. Sally Albright: They do not. Harry Burns: Do too. Sally Albright: They do not. Harry Burns: Do too. Sally Albright: How do you know? Harry Burns: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her. Sally Albright: So, you're saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive? Harry Burns: No. You pretty much want to nail 'em too. Sally Albright: What if THEY don't want to have sex with YOU? Harry Burns: Doesn't matter because the sex thing is already out there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story. Sally Albright: Well, I guess we're not going to be friends then. Harry Burns: I guess not. Sally Albright: That's too bad. You were the only person I knew in New York.

Harry Burns: Would you like to have dinner?... Just friends. Sally Albright: I thought you didn't believe men and women could be friends. Harry Burns: When did I say that? Sally Albright: On the ride to New York. Harry Burns: No, no, no, I never said that... Yes, that's right, they can't be friends. Unless both of them are involved with other people, then they can... This is an amendment to the earlier rule. If the two people are in relationships, the pressure of possible involvement is lifted... That doesn't work either, because what happens then is, the person you're involved with can't understand why you need to be friends with the person you're just friends with. Like it means something is missing from the relationship and why do you have to go outside to get it? And when you say "No, no, no it's not true, nothing is missing from the relationship," the person you're involved with then accuses you of being secretly attracted to the person you're just friends with, which you probably are. I mean, come on, who the hell are we kidding, let's face it. Which brings us back to the earlier rule before the amendment, which is men and women can't be friends.

Life As An Adult

Sometimes I think I'm living in a dream. In the middle of the day, I'll suddenly have this urge to pinch myself just to make sure that I'm really awake. Work is going really well at the library, and my life outside of work is just as busy as ever. I'm still babysitting some in the evening and helping out with the children's ministry at Newspring. I've also been spending a lot more of my time taking care of the house, doing yardwork, running errands, and paying bills. I know this is going to sound weird, but I actually enjoy paying bills. Every time I pay a bill, it reminds me of how much God has given me. Think about it. Instead of bemoaning the fact that you have less money in your checking account, you can count the blessings that you've already been given. Electricity, water, gas, food, medicine, a house to call home... So what if I don't have anything left over at the end of the month to buy new clothes, go out to eat, or go on a trip. I'm grateful that I don't have to worry about how I'm going to get my next meal or where I'm going to sleep.

I'm so happy right now, and I hope that no matter what happens in life, I can still smile because I know that God is always looking out for me.

I GOT THE JOB!!!

I GOT THE JOB!!!
You can now officially call me a librarian! :-)
I'm working full-time starting Monday in the South Carolina Room as the Library Technical Assistant I. So come by and visit me next time you're at the Anderson County Library!
Goodness. This is so exciting. Can you tell I'm excited?!?

A Beautiful Life

How many times do you stop in the middle of the day just to breathe in the sights and sounds of life around you? I'm staring outside the windows of the library right now, appreciating the beautiful sunny day, and counting my blessings. Last weekend I visited my dad in Pennsylvania for Father's Day and spent all day Friday and Saturday exploring the Amish countryside on a bike, attending festivals, and dancing to folk music. On the drive back down to Anderson on Sunday, I got to spend a lot of time in the car by myself, thinking about how much my life has changed in the past couple of years. When I walked into my house late Sunday night, the sweet smell of home caught me offguard, and I spent the next few seconds soaking in the wonderful feeling of finally having a place to call my own. Every home has a special scent, and you don't realize it until you come back after being away for a while. It's hard to describe the smell of my home. Certain words come to my mind like vanilla scented candles, hardwood floors, laundry detergent, flowers, spices from the kitchen... but no one word can do it justice. I love my home. The housewarming party was a huge success, by the way, and I was somewhat overwhelmed by how many friends dropped by. It was a good feeling, and now my home is filled with all kinds of gifts that remind me of the people in my life. I look in my kitchen and see the kitchen towels from Marie hanging on the side of the oven, the flowers from Taru on the windowsill, the cutting board from Mary on the countertop, the ivy from Samantha hanging right outside the kitchen door... There used to be a time in my life when I hated receiving gifts, but now I realize how foolish that is. Gifts remind me of my friends, the wonderful people that God has placed in my life. Every time I see a gift from a person, I smile and remember how beautiful life is.

Where do I begin?

Where do I begin? It's been forever and a day since I've had time to write something in my blog. I'm beginning to feel somewhat deprived. I love journaling, writing, reading... I can't believe my classes for library science start in less than two months. I can't wait. Just imagine it. Me. A professional librarian. :-D

I'm having a housewarming party on Sunday, and I can't wait! It's going to be so much fun, even if not very many people can show up. At least I know that my good friends will be there... Marie and Rob, Amanda, Crystal, Kylie, Heidi and Nick, Morgan, Mindy, Leigh Ann, Kim and Eric, Jennifer and Mark, Cori, and of course my wonderful housemates Kristy and Rebecca. It would be awesome if some of my other friends could drop by too, but it's okay if they don't. I know they still love me. :-) The party menu will include: meatballs, potato soup, vegetable tray, fruit tray, crackers & cheese, cake, cookies, and crepes. I know the potato soup isn't exactly a party food, but Kristy thought it would be a good choice for people who show up right after church who are pretty hungry. That way, they could have a nice wholesome lunch that is filling, tastes good (I make a killer potato soup ;-)), and is relatively cheap. So, anyway, tomorrow is going to be extremely busy getting stuff ready for the party, cleaning the house, and oh! i almost forgot... I have to take the Praxis tomorrow afternoon in Clemson. Whew. I'm already ready for a nap.

A Week In History

It's hard to believe that a week has already past since graduation. Wow. It's been a week full of excitement, adventure, chaos, and happiness. The bedroom furniture for my room finally came in, and my house is slowly starting to look like a home. My routine for the summer has started, and I love it. I get to do all the things that I love without the stress. In the mornings, I work at the library from 9-12, then I babysit for a little boy named Nathaniel from 12-5. I couldn't have asked for a better way to spend a summer.
I know it's been a while since my last post. I'm sure that people are dying to know how the mystery of the stolen car finally ended, so I am dedicating the last paragraph in this post to telling the story. Oh, and for a great synopsis, go to my friend Marie's blog: www.mariedw.blogspot.com :-)

Sunday, two long days after my car was reported stolen, Michael and I were at Walmart getting things to bake cookies for my homegroup. After making our purchases, we headed out the front entrance to walk back to the car and realized upon walking outside that we had gone out the wrong entrance. Great. We had covered about half of the long distance to Michael's car when I noticed something in the corner of my eye. It had a red bumper, a Newspring sticker, an AC parking decal... it was my car! And it was right there in front of me, less than two feet away. Right then, I called the cops and told them to come out there "immediately!" because I had found my stolen car. They assured me that they were on their way, so I hung up the phone and began to walk around to the front of the car. There, in the passenger's seat, was a person looking straight at me. He was an African-American male, heavy-set, about 5'11" and he was sitting in my car. The nerve of him! Now I don't know what possessed me to do this, maybe I was high on adrenaline, maybe I just didn't know what else to do, or maybe I'm just crazy. When I saw this man sitting in MY car, I opened the door and started yelling "what are you doing in my car?!? why did you steal my car?! why?!!" He could have killed me right then and there, but I guess he realized that there would be about 50 witnesses in the parking lot plus video surveillance so he just played it safe.
"Whoh, maam, I didn't steal your car."
"Then what are you doing sitting inside it?"
"This guy offered me a ride to the store, and I didn't know it was stolen"
"Ok. Fine. What does this guy look like?"
At this point the man started walking away from the car. I followed.
"Where are you going?"
"Maam, I just got out of jail two weeks ago, and I haven't seen my little girl in a long time, and I don't want to get in trouble again. I don't want nothing to do with a stolen car."
yea right
"But you have to stay! The police are coming, and you have to identify the other guy who was driving."
"Ok. He's wearing a black sweatshirt, a visor, about 5'6", African-American male, and he's in Walmart right now."
"Great! So stay right here, and tell the cops what you told me"
At this point he starts walking a little faster.
"Sorry maam, I'm leaving."
"What's your name?"
"Bill"
I got tired of chasing Bill, so I gave it up and headed back to the car. The police finally showed up about five minutes later, and I told them that the guy they were looking for was in Walmart. "He's wearing a black sweatshirt, visor, about 5'6", African-American male." "And how do you know this?" "Ummm. Someone told me." blank stare "Okay, the person who was sitting in the passenger's seat of the car told me." exasperated groan that sounded something like "stupid white girl" "so the person's in Walmart now, and you need to go get him, and and and"
Now, I was extremely frustrated at this point. I wanted the cops to charge right inside Walmart and arrest the guy, but they weren't doing anything! And they didn't even seem to be paying attention to me. I mean, come on, I was the one who found the car in the first place, right? Two more policemen come on the scene, and I told them the same thing that I told the first policeman. Just around the time when I was about to give up all hope of finding the people who had stolen my car, one of the policemen started to run towards the Walmart entranceway. There was an African American guy wearing a black sweatshirt, a visor, about 5'6", running from the Walmart parking lot. The other two policemen got in their cars, turned on the blue lights, and raced towards the fugitive. The guy jumped a fence and then stabbed himself. I think he must have been on drugs or something. Sheesh. WHY would anyone stab himself? To sum it up, the police finally caught the guy who then ratted out his friend in the car. His friend "Bill" was the one who had actually stolen the vehicle, but the other guy was driving because Bill didn't have a driver's license. They had been using my car as a runaway vehicle for shoplifting items in various department stores and college dormrooms. My trunk was filled with stolen goods (none of it was mine :-/) I was happy to get my car back, even though it smelled like drugs and smoke and had been completely vandalized and covered in filth. Michael helped me vacuum it out later that afternoon, and then Marie let me use her super duper car vacuum thingamajigger to vacuum it out a second time, so it's slowly starting to look like normal.
So there's the story. Well... part of the story anyway. There's a lot more detail in the real version but there's no way that my blog could hold that much information. :-P

Sleepless Night

It's been another long, sleepless night. It's just past 4:00 in the morning, and here I am, physically exhausted but unable to get any sleep. Yesterday was one of those days that will go down in the record books as a day that I'll never forget. It began horribly, continued at a rough pace, and finished with an emotional crash.
First off, my car was stolen at 5:15 am. It was parked in Stringer C parking lot, and the whole thing was caught on the campus safety video tapes. Michael was supposed to spend the morning with me, eating breakfast at the Bagel Shop and then helping me finish packing, but we ended up spending most of the morning talking to the police instead. There was also a burglary that happened on campus around the time my car was stolen, so they think there's a connection. Even though it really stinks having no car for the summer, I'm glad that nothing worse happened. I have so many other things to be grateful for,and I'm not going to let something like a stolen car make me depressed.

The rest of the day went okay. Michael and I stopped by Marie's to say hello, and it felt really good to see her. She gave me an indoor/outdoor grill that I can use for my house, and it's the perfect size for me. It's so cute! I can't wait to use it. After visiting Marie, I had graduation practice and then spent the next several hours moving furniture into my house. My dad came to Anderson with this big U-haul full of things that I could use (including a lawn mower :-D), and Michael, Tony, Rebecca, my dad, and I worked all afternoon unloading everything. I thought we would never get it all unloaded. There were several things that happened during my big "move into the house" afternoon that were upsetting, but it went by fast, and before I knew it, the sun had already set.

Now comes the longest and toughest part of the entire day. Because graduation is in the morning, I told my mom that she could spend the night in my dormroom so that she wouldn't have to get up so early to drive all the way from Columbia to come to the ceremony. She got to Anderson around 9:00, and so from 9:00 until sometime after midnight, I got to spend time with my mom on an emotional roller coaster. It was hard. Really hard. Occasionally, I felt the need to throw-up but held it in. I just don't understand my mom. I love her, I forgive her, and I'll always be thankful for everything she did for me, but I can't have the same kind of relationship with her that we had before.

God, please help me be the kind of daughter you've called me to be. Help me be a woman after your own heart, and give me the strength I need to survive what this next day will bring.

Excitement over Graduation

My body is going into a crazy, excited, let's do something wild mode, and I can't sleep! I didn't sleep more than two hours last night. After spending the evening hanging out with Kristy at my new house, I came back to the dorm to get some sleep and spent the next four hours tossing and turning in my bed. At around 2:30, I finally gave up and started reading my Bible. I went through the whole book of Ruth, some of Esther, some in Joshua, then I finished up my reading in the New Testament. By then, the clock read 3:45, so I turned off the light and tried yet again to fall asleep. I think I drifted off at 4, but then I woke up before my alarm went off and now I'm sitting here typing in my blog. Michael is coming to Anderson today, and we're eating breakfast at the Bagel Shop. I'm so excited about seeing him. Then my dad is coming later with a big moving van filled with furniture for my house. Graduation practice is at 11:00, and, goodness, I'm so excited!! I know I'm not going to get any more sleep tonight. *sigh* Well, I'm going to get in the shower now. Maybe if I have time before Michael gets here, I'll paint my toenails. :-)

Chocolate & Toothpaste

I discovered something really cool today. Chocolate tastes REALLY good with toothpaste. Hear me out on this. I know it sounds nasty, but when you put dark chocolate and dab it with just a tiny bit of toothpaste, it tastes amazing. It tastes similar to those little chocolate mint patties that my dad loves so much.

Now, I never intended to mix these two together. It happened like many things happen in my life, by pure accident. After eating supper, my teeth felt a little mucky, so I did what I often do when I feel the need to clean my teeth, I brushed them. Shortly after brushing my teeth, I had a craving for chocolate. Not just any kind of chocolate. Dark chocolate. Michael had given me some dark chocolate for my birthday a couple of weeks ago, and there were a few pieces left in my room, so I happily helped myself to a piece. I hesitated a second before eating the chocolate because my mouth still tasted like toothpaste, but I really wanted some chocolate, so I popped it into my mouth anyway. It tasted so good! So then I did a couple of experiments. I got a second piece of chocolate, put a tiny amount of toothpaste on top of it, and took a slow bite. Wow. It was delicious.

Now all I have to do is figure out how to put toothpaste and chocolate in the same package. Hey, I just thought of something. Why hasn't anyone come up with the idea of making chocolate toothpaste?!?

Mowing the Grass

I stopped by my house yesterday to do a load of laundry. Because the weather outside was so nice, I decided to sit out on the front steps for a while and enjoy the sunshine. It felt wonderful, sitting there with my feet stretched out in front of me, basking in the warm sunlight. While I enjoyed my time of relaxation, I started noticing something about my front lawn. It's in desperate need of mowing, however, there is one problem. I don't have a lawn mower. What should I do?

My parents never did like mowing the grass. When I was a little girl, my mom or my dad (I don't remember exactly who told me to do this) gave me a pair of scissors and instructed me to start cutting the grass because it needed to be cut. Maybe they were just trying to give me something to do so that I wouldn't drive them crazy. Maybe the grass really did need to be cut. Either way, I spent hours and hours as a kid, cutting the long stems of grass with the pair of scissors that my parents had given me. I loved it because it meant that I got to spend all afternoon outside and help my parents at the same time (or so I thought). It was great fun, but no more than a small section of grass ever got done. When I finished, the yard always looked like it had a bald spot where I had cut, and my mom would eventually have to shave the rest of the yard with the lawn mower to complete the look.

Now that I need to mow a lawn of my own, cutting the grass with scissors doesn't seem like such a bad idea. Maybe if I start cutting this afternoon, I'll be done by the time summer is over. Hmmm. :-)


Time to get out the scissors.

Light

Wow. I feel so much better now. Everything's going to turn out okay, and after reading back over my post from the other day, I feel guilty that I ever worried so much about what would happen. I still don't feel completely at peace, but I know that I don't have to worry anymore. All I can do is follow God's footsteps and trust that He will guide me in the right direction.

Lost

I'm so confused right now. Have you ever been lost in a dream where you didn't want to wake up but deep down inside you knew that it had to eventually happen? That's what I feel like right now. I've been in a wonderful dream and now something is trying to wake me up, bring me back to reality, and I don't want it to happen. The dream was so real. I thought it was real, but I guess I was wrong. I thought that maybe this time, it would last forever. Now everything's cloudy, and I can't find a single ray of sunshine trying to break a whole through the mist. Maybe I'm jumping to conclusions, and perhaps that ray will break through the cloud afterall. Not knowing scares me. The darkness scares me, and I want to run. I want to run to a place where I can see and where I know I'm safe.

God, please guide me towards your light. I love you, and I'm sorry for ever doubting your love. You are my anchor and my strength. Help me be a light to others and forgive me for not trusting you completely. In your name I pray, Amen.

SkyDiving

Really quick update on my life....
I went skydiving for my 21st birthday!!!
AND
I have the most amazing boyfriend ever!!!

Thoughts

May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human, enough hope to make you happy.

It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.

It takes only a minute to get a crush on someone, an hour to like someone, and a day to love someone, but it takes a lifetime to forget someone.

Don't go for looks; they can deceive. Don't go for wealth; even that fades away. Go for someone who makes you smile because it takes only a smile to make a dark day seem bright. Find the one that makes your heart smile.

Happiness lies for those who cry, those who hurt, those who have searched, and those who have tried, for only they can appreciate the importance of people who have touched their lives.

The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way.

Goodbye Uncle Ronnie

Why do Christians have to be sad when someone dies? If we know that our loved one is in heaven, then why do we cry? Maybe it's a selfish kind of sadness. Maybe we're sad because we're focusing on what we've lost instead of the infinite joy that our friend has gained. Perhaps we're sad because we know that we could have done more. Maybe something was left unsaid, something that needed to be done before it was too late. Sometimes I think there must be something wrong with me. Why do I not feel more upset when bad things happen in life? I'm not afraid of the future, and I know that no matter what happens, God has a purpose and a plan for everything. If I were to lose all that I love in life... my family, friends, home... I know that I could pull through it. It would be hard, but I know that things would eventually be okay because there is one thing in my life that I could never lose. My faith. God will always be with me, and I know that with his strength, I can conquer anything.

Lord, thank you for being my Savior. Thank you for loving me and giving my life a purpose. No matter what happens, I give you all of the praise and glory. I love you.

Goodbye my dear Uncle Ronnie. I'll miss you.

True Happiness

I am so incredibly happy right now. I don't know how to describe it. It's like I'm living in a dream, only it's not a dream, it's my life. It's real, and it's not going to end when the sun comes up. Last night after coming back to the dorms after work, I laid down in my car for a while and listened to the sound of the rain beating against the windshield. God has given me so much. He loves me so much despite all of the things I've done wrong. I've done nothing to deserve any of the blessings he has poured into my life, and I'm overwhelmed by what He's done. I don't understand it.

What is true happiness? It's knowing that no matter what happens, God has a purpose for everything. It's knowing that though the feeling of happiness may be temporary, ultimate happiness in Christ is forever.


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Asking for Trouble

Ok. I just know that I'm going to get myself into a lot of trouble by writing this post. I'm at Anmed Hospital right now, bored out of my mind, and I saw this computer just sitting here in the corner and thought I would take advantage of the opportunity and update my blog. I'm looking around right now, just waiting to be caught. So far, no one has even noticed that I'm sitting behind the computer desk. I've been here since 4:30, trying to do my good deed for the day and donate some o-negative blood, but they are a little short-staffed. I've been sitting here for almost an hour already, and I'm ready to literally jump out of my chair and DO something. Egh. I hate hospitals. So why on earth am I here in the first place? I mean, do they REALLY need my blood? Sigh. I give in. I'm going to be a good girl because I know that someday, someone might actually need my blood, and if I don't give, where are they going to get it?

A Healthy Sickness

I'm sick. My throat hurts. My head hurts. My whole body feels like it's going to shut down at any given moment. It's been really tough these past few days, trying to teach five classes with a voice that's barely there and a body that wants to do nothing but sleep. I left work at the library early on Monday night because I literally couldn't stand up anymore. Tuesday night, I was supposed to go to an SGA meeting and help Residence Life do a "beach theme" spring break awareness event but ended up falling asleep with my head against my teacher's edition of Algebra II. On Wednesday night, I spent another night in my room, curled up on my bed. I missed both my Bible Study and my weekly RA meeting with the Stringer C staff. Finally Thursday is here, and my body is slowly starting to come back to normal. Goodness, it's been a long week, and I can't wait until Friday.

This is going to sound a little weird, but I'm going to write it anyway. Even though being sick wasn't much fun, overall it felt good. It felt healthy being sick. I could feel my immune system fighting off the virus that was threatening to take over my body, and, I don't know how else to say it, it just felt good. I felt alive.

Sometimes it takes a sickness before you appreciate what most people take for granted every day. Your health.

Real Gentlemen

When I think about the characteristics of real gentlemen, the first thing that comes to my mind are those men who play the roles of southern war heroes in the civil war movies like Gone With the Wind. Charming. Polite. Respectful. You don't see many guys like that anymore, and when you do happen to come across a guy who actually remembers to open the door for you, it always feels like a special treat. It feels weird saying all this because I'm one of those girls who doesn't like it when people do things for me. I always feel like I'm the one who should be serving, not the other way around. When a guy opens a door for me, I'm very pleased and grateful but at the same time there's this urge inside of me that wants to say, no, let me open the door for you.
Anyway, now for the real story. I went to Crystal's house this afternoon for a wedding shower for Heidi and Nick. There was a man there who I recognized, but I didn't remember who he was or how I knew him. About thirty minutes into the party, I started to get tired of standing and decided to look for somewhere to sit. The only place that was open was directly beside the place where this man was standing. I wasn't sure if he was claiming the seat as his or not, so I gave him a brief look that said "mind if I sit there?" He motioned go ahead, and I walked over to the seat. I'm in the process of sitting down when, all of a sudden, I feel a gentle push behind my chair that moves it just enough so that it fits perfectly underneath me. It was the strangest thing. I always imagined that gentlemanly act of pushing the chair underneath the lady to be something that in itself would feel physically awkward, but this wasn't awkward at all. The whole act was done so smoothly, that for a moment, I wasn't even sure it had happened. Then it dawned on me, and a delighted smile quickly found its way up my spine and into my cheeks. I had just been given the "push the chair" move for the first time in my life, and it felt wonderful. And to think it had come from a stranger who, believe it or not, was truly just being a gentleman.

Teardrops

Few people have ever seen me cry, and I mean really cry, not the tears that come from a movie or a painful sprain. It's not because I don't have emotions or don't care enough to ever cry over something. It's because when I cry, I have to be completely alone. I hold everything in until I finally find a place by myself where I can let it all go and not worry about what people think of me. Some days I'll hurt inside so badly; all I'll want to do is cry, but I can't. Today was one of those days.

One of the parents sent an email to my cooperating teacher telling her how her child hated the student teacher and never understood anything in class because the student teacher never explained things and didn't offer to help students who struggled. She also mentioned how mean and cruel this student teacher was to the rest of the students in the class and that something needed to be done to fix the situation. It was an awful letter. When I first read it, the thought that she was talking about me didn't really register. How terrible that a student teacher would be cruel to her students! When I finally realized that it was ME she was describing, I lost my ability to talk. It felt like fingers had wrapped tightly around my neck and were slowly choking me. How could something like this happen? I care so much about my students. I would do anything for them. I spend hours and hours planning and preparing for my lessons, trying to make them fun and interesting and easy to understand. I work so incredibly hard, and to know that a student in my class thinks that I don't care hurts so much.

The rest of the day felt like a blur. I taught five classes in a row, and while I was teaching, I paid close attention to every detail. Everything that happened felt like it happened in slow motion. In the past when students would not pay attention the way I felt they should, it wouldn't bother me because I'd simply walk by their desks and remind them to get back on task. Today, however, was different. I realized for the first time that I wasn't the one in charge of the classroom. The students were. And you know what hurts even more than someone thinking that I don't care? It's the fact that the students don't care. They don't care about doing well in life. They want things handed to them on a silver platter. They don't care about working, trying, or even listening. I know there are exceptions, but most of them don't care. It's the way the public school system of America is run. Students are forced to go to school, so they just don't care about doing well. It's the teacher's responsiblity, not the student's responsibility, to make them learn.

So after holding in my tears all morning throughout five long classes, I couldn't take it anymore. As soon as the last student left, I closed my door, turned off the lights, and found a corner in the room. I was crying before my knees touched the floor.

I have no past

I have no past.

What did that mean? It was one of those random things that came out of nowhere, completely irrelevant to anything that was being said. It was like one of those writing drills where the psychiatrist is making you write words down at an extremely fast pace, so fast that you're not consciously aware of what exactly it is that you're writing. Then something suddenly jumps off the page that makes the psychiatrist gasp.
I have no past.
Before I even realized what I had said or why I had said it, there it was. What did I mean? Part of me didn't even want to acknowledge that it was said, but it was too late. Five attentive pairs of ears had deciphered the sound. Five faces stared into mine with confused and expectant looks. What was I to do? My past was not something that I wanted to talk about, but what else do strangers talk about? When you meet a new person, especially one of the opposite sex, there's this understood rule that you are supposed to ask them questions about their past. Where are you from? Where did you go to school? When were you born? I wanted to stop the questions, stop the superficial talk that inevitably was to follow. So I said the first thing that came to mind.
I have no past.

Concern. Worry. Confusion. Shock. Silence. An observer would think that I had just admitted to an obscene crime. Honestly, is it really that bad not to have a past?
What do you do when five handsome faces stare at you with a look between tender concern and utter confusion?

Change the subject.

Ignorance & Bliss versus Knowledge & Pain

In high school, I had a really good English teacher named Mr. Griffin ("Griff Dog") who taught me some things about life and literature that, surprisingly, I still remember. One of those things involves the paradox between ignorance and knowledge. We did a unit on the Oedipus complex. Those who have read the story know that at the end Oedipus had to make a choice. He had to decide between unveiling the truth about his wife and suffering extreme pain and misfortune or remaining ignorant and living the rest of his life in harmony and bliss. Because Oedipus could not hold his curiosity at bay, he chose to discover the truth - he had married his own mother and killed his father. He then tore his eyes out and lived the remainder of his life in self inflicted torture. There is a point to this whole story. A few minutes ago, my cell phone rang, and the caller ID had been blocked. If you know me, you know that my phone does not control me, and I am solely the one who decides whether or not to answer it. I'm not the type of person who will answer my phone every time it rings (unless, of course, you are a good friend of mine;-) ). Anyway, I was curious, VERY curious, as to who it was that was calling me, but I decided not to pick up the phone because if this person really wanted to talk to me, they would leave a message. A few seconds go by, and I noticed that my phone had no new messages. Oh well. One minute later, my dorm phone starts to ring. Great. This person must really want to talk to me but doesn't have the guts to leave a message. At this point, my curiosity is threatening to take over my ability to control my urge to pick up the phone, and I am yet again thrown into making a decision. Should I pick up the phone and answer the mysterious call, thus choosing knowledge over ignorance and risking the chance that this person might bring pain and misery into my life. Or should I ignore the persistant ringing and choose to live the rest of my life in ignorance and bliss. What do I do?

Oedipus was stupid.

So I don't answer my phone.

For my Algebra II Honors class, I gave them a "Math Valentine" assignment that would help pull their quiz averages up if they did a good job. For the assignment, they had to create a math valentine poem and put it in the shape of a heart. Some of the poems were so funny that when I read over them during my next class (they were taking a test), I literally laughed out loud.
Here were some of the poems that my students created.... hope you enjoy them!


I was waitin' for my Valentine
On the median close to the town square.
Roots were showin' from a tree,
And I was wishin' she was there.
When she escapes from her mean mama
We'll be makin' a radical change.
I'm findin' some mode of transportation,
And we're runnin' off to the range.
~by Lucus Huff

Lost in your radical smile,
Oh how I wish I could stay while.
Swayed by but a fraction of you
Looking at your picture I know it's true.
You're the only one that makes me whole.
Without you, I'm one lonely soul.
~by Brandon Watt

Extraneous solutions may not always be right,
And equations may take a while to do.
Standard forms may be what's considered right,
But not even an easy addition problem could compare to you.
~by Kristen Cobb

Whenever you are not around,
My parabola goes upside down.
Of me you are the inverse,
My love for you will never go in reverse.
~by Brett Chambers

Oh yes, y equals mx plus b,
Have I told you lately how much I love thee?
You make my parabola positive and axis sing.
My beautiful matrix, will you be my Cramer King?
~by Megan Cox

Love is a method of combinations
Between positives and negatives
How do some find it?
Is it hidden beneath the radical?
Or should we find the opposite of our reflection.
Love is only the recognition
Of the heart's best connection.
~by Heather Burditt

Girl's Bible Study

I'm on a short break at the library right now and thought I should post an update on my blog. This past week has flown by really fast. I taught two classes every day (Algebra II Honors and Algebra I CP), and my nights were spent recooperating and getting ready for the next day. Girl's Bible Study met at my house on Wednesday night, and that was probably the highlight of my week. About 15 girls came to the study, and more than once during the evening, I had to force back the tears that kept threatening to cloud my vision. Seeing everyone there that night, worshiping God in my new house, made me happier than I can possibly describe. Kristy came with me, and we shared a blanket on the floor. Sitting there side by side with her made me remember the first time we ever came to a Girl's Bible Study together. That was almost four years ago. Things have changed so much since then. God has done incredible things in my life, and I know that the amazing things he has in store for me have only just begun.

Sushi

I’ve got sushi on my mind. Last Saturday night, Eric and I went to this really nice restaurant right off the lake with Steve and his wife Kay. Anyway, at this restaurant, I got to experience the wonderfully delicious and exotic taste of sushi for the very first time. It was so good. We tried so many different kinds of sushi that it was impossible for me to have just one favorite. I loved the eel and the tuna and the salmon, and I loved the Philadelphia roll. Oh, and the mitzo soup was delicious too. The only thing that could have made the experience better would have been more sleep. I was still tired from working all week and not getting enough sleep on Friday night (yet again). Thankfully, I was able to sleep in a little bit on Sunday, so at this moment in time, I’m not that tired. Now I can go back to that experience on Saturday night and relive the taste of sushi. Did I mention that I loved sushi?

Who do you want to be?

"Yesterday is a wrinkle on your forehead
Yesterday is a promise that you've broken
Don't close your eyes, don't close your eyes,
This is your life
And today is all you've got now
And today is all you've ever had
Don't close your eyes
This is your life, are you who you want to be?
This is your life, are you who you want to be?
This is your life, is it everything that you dreamed
that it would be when the world was younger,
and you had everything to lose?
Yesterday is a kid in the corner
Yesterday is dead and over
This is your life, are you who you want to be?
This is your life, are you who you want to be?"

Newspring band sang this song today in church, and it made me think about how I'm living my life. Am I living my life the way God wants? Am I the woman God's called me to be? I want to be the kind of person who people meet and say "Now there's someone who loves Christ." I want to be someone who is a blessing to others. I want to make a difference.
This is your life, are you who you want to be?

My Official First Post

There are so many things I could write about right now. So much has happened over the past week that I don’t really know where to start or what exactly I could write. I’m in the process of switching over to blogspot instead of livejournal and will be keeping my journal entries posted here instead of there because I feel like a change. My good friend Marie uses blogspot, and she’s the one who gave me the idea of switching. I won’t update every day, but I’ll try to post something at least once a week. It’s kind of neat looking back on journal entries that I’ve written over a year ago and seeing how life has changed since then, and I’d like to keep something like that going, especially during my senior year of college. Life is going to be so different after I finally graduate. College has definitely been the best part of my life, and I know that things are going to get even better. My relationship with Christ has grown so much over the years, and I’m so excited about the plans he has for me that I can’t help but feel happy all the time. Don’t get me wrong, I do feel sad sometimes but it’s not the same. It’s like, even though sad things happen, I’m still okay because I know that God has a purpose for my life, and I don’t have to worry because I know that He’s in control.

I’m in the third week of my student teaching experience at Crescent High, and so far it’s going really well. Every morning I teach Algebra II Honors, and throughout the day, I take attendance, go over homework, grade papers, take up assignments, tutor individual students, develop lesson plans, unit plans, long range plans, Smartboard presentations, meet with parents, work with the Freshman Academy, and do anything and everything that my cooperating teacher asks of me. Over the next two weeks, I’ll pick up the rest of Mrs. Lewis’ classes until I’ll be teaching full-time. It’s going to be so much work, but I’m excited. I love teaching; it’s just the other things about teaching – all the administrative tasks that I don’t like. I’m thankful that I won’t have to teach for a profession. I submitted all of my scholarship applications to USC’s School of Library Science last weekend, and I’m praying that I’ll qualify for as many scholarships as possible. I’ll be a full-time grad student in the fall, just bought a house, and I could definitely use the scholarship money.

Even though I’m really busy with student teaching, being an RA, working at, ok, I’m going to stop now, I don’t feel like listing everything I do because it will make me look like an overachiever, the point is this: Even though I’m busy, I love life, and I love my friends. Honestly, sometimes I wonder how I managed to find such great people in my life. So to all my friends who put up with my craziness… thanks. Thanks for always being there even when I don’t have time to spend with you every day or talk for hours on the phone. When this past summer happened, I realized how many friends God has put in my life, and it makes me cry to think about how many people actually care about what happens to me.

I know this post is getting long, yet I still have an urge to write something, even if I really don’t have anything specific to say. Wait. There’s something that just came to my mind, and I’m smiling right now because it’s something nice to think about. I went to Frankie’s Fun Park last Friday night with my Newspring homegroup, and I got to spend time getting to know someone that I met last December. He goes to Clemson, is working on a mechanical engineering degree, and is part of another homegroup at Newspring. We had so much fun on Friday night (I didn’t get back to my room until after 3!), and I don’t really know why, but I can’t stop smiling. We’re going to do something again this Friday night with a couple of other friends. Actually, I’m setting up a blind date for two friends at Newspring, and we’re going to go along to make it more of a “group of friends” type setting.
I think I’m a diabetic. That was random, but I really think I am. Example: Last Friday, I almost passed out in class. I was sitting down behind the teacher’s desk, and things started to get “spotty.” I stared at the wall and all I could see were black spots everywhere, and I felt really weak. Then I felt like I was going to die, right there in the teacher’s chair. Mrs. Lewis had a student take me to the nurse. She thought my blood sugar was low so she gave me a candy bar. That only made things worse. After I ate the candy bar, I felt horrible, like I had eaten too much candy on Halloween. So… I went home early on Friday and stayed in bed all afternoon. I decided not to eat any sugar foods all weekend, and I felt a lot better. THEN today, at school, four days after my visit to the nurse, I ate a piece of cake, and now I feel sick. Hmmm. Is there a connection? Sigh. I might just have to give up sugar all together. It’s going to be so terrible. Life without chocolate, what am I going to do? Maybe it’s not such a bad thing. Without all those extra calories from sugar, maybe I’ll lose weight. :-)

I think my urge to write has finally subsided. My students are taking a test tomorrow, so I don’t have a lesson to prepare. It feels good having a night to myself. I think I’m going to go work out at the YMCA and read a book while I’m working on those elliptical machines. Working out on machines is funny when you think about it. Imagine what people from other countries must think of us Americans, driving someplace just so we can walk in one place.